you got to let it go and go with the flow sometimes and be grateful for the unexpected journey. I had dreams of adorable newborn photo sessions and outfits picked out complete with little headbands. But without all 3 babies home I just can't do that. I feel its only right to be all or nothing on these sort of things. I know that when the time comes when Oswyn is home, I will just be so happy that it won't matter that we didn't get a newborn photo session. It will just be nice to have a reunion photo session.
I don't remember what i've said or writtten before but everyday i'm reminded of the details of Oswyn's journey so far in this life and what a miracle she is. All 3 girls are incredible miracles, but she especialyl has had a bit of a harder go. From the begining of my hospital stay back in March, the doctors were worried the most about her, thinking that she may come too early, before her sisters even. When she finally did come, it was because her water broke due to stress brought on by her placenta detaching. They had a hard time stablizing her. Her first APGAR was a 2, followed by a 7 once they got her stable. She was on high flow oxygen for a long time and because of that, had a late start in beginning to learn to suck, swallow and breathe at the same time. this is one of the hardest tasks a preemie must learn to do and when you are struggling to breathe, it really is tough and often not enjoyable. The doctors said its like trying to run a marathon and eat at the same time. so its a miracle she is here and that she is doing as well as she is, even though she is still in the hospital.
Even though she is only on a little bit of air now she still needs it to give her enough energy to try to eat anything. It is a chore for her to take a bottle which is sad because most babies love this. She doesn't even really like her pacifier. She isn't oral averted, thankfully, but it is a fine line we walk. Its like learning to do anything physical that you've never done before-you need time to get it right and build up your endurance to do so. i'm grateful that that is all and that there isn't anything wrong with her, but at the same time its frustrating because all we can do is wait. i've had to learn all to early, i think, that it is painful to watch your child struggle to do something knowing that you can't do anything to help them out because they need to do it themselves. for now the best i can do is be there when i can for her. this is also painful because i wish i could be with her all the time but i am just as needed at home. i wish there was a way i could encourage her to do better and communicate to her that if she did she could be home and be with me all the time.
i can tell that she is a sensative child, more so than her sisters. this is hard too because you can see that any little thing that goes on in the nicu like another baby crying, stresses her out and she won't eat. so its like you want to take her out of the stressful environment in hopes that she would do better, but without a gurantee you don't want her to leave because the worst thing would be having to take her back to the hospital if she didn't do well. but as a mother, i know she isn't quite ready to just come home. and that's hard for me to see and admit as well.
last week we asked the doctor if there would be any long term effects on her for needing oxygen this long. He said that she wouldn't be an athlete. we don't accepet this. another thing you never want to have to do is limit our child. if she wants to do something i'm not going to tell her "no because you physically can't". no one knows what she can do till she tries. and i'm not going to hinder her aspirations by even telling her "hey you might not be able to do that". i just want to let her go and let her shine. i bet she will over come a lot because she already has. She continualy surprises the doctors and nurses at what she can accomplish even though it may not look like it to the rest of the world. don't let her fool you just because she is still in the hospital.
i know only parents could begin to understand the pain of having your child in the hosptial and unable to come home and you unable to stay. i often cry when i leave feeling incredibly guilty and sad that she isn't coming home with me. on the other hand it gives me the most incredible joy to see her face light up whenever she sees me. the positive side is that she gets me all to herself when we are together which she would not get if she were home. so i'm taking this bonding time as a gift. so far everything has worked out to be perfect timing, so i'm sure when she does come home, we will say it was perfect timing again.
