a much awaited update

As many of you know, I am now 11 weeks pregnant with triplets!!! We did go through with the IVF cycle and we are one of the lucky couples that only had to do it once. it was a lot of low activity and lots of meds for me. But it was all worth it. About $15,000 later i guess you could say we got our monies worth! :)

When you do ivf, are young, have plenty of good quality eggs, and its your first try the most the doctor will let you use is two eggs. Most people do 2 eggs. The reason being is that with one egg you have about a 30% chance or so that it will take. With two eggs you have a 60% chance at least one egg will take. The point is to get pregnant and hopefully not ever have to go this process more than once because its emotional, time-consuming, and did i mention expensive? We asked the doctor what were the chances of having an egg split and getting multiples. He said "less than 1%. We don't even factor it in." So we thought well since we can't even beat the 20% chance of getting pregnant on our own that sounds pretty good. Let's do two eggs-everyone else is doing it and getting one or two babies. We always said we'd be cool with twins.

The week came for me to have two embryos transfered. Its similar to getting a vaginal ultrasound except you get valium to help you relax. Yipee! Me likely :) We even got to watch them put the two little guys in my uterus on the ultrasound machine. Then i slept for a half hour there, then it was time to go home and rest some more- for three days. They call them "princess days" :) Later that week I had my dog training conference in Cinncinatti. It was a good way to keep me busy and not thinking so much about what was happening in my womb or not. It was also totally rewarding and fun. At the end of my trip I was beyond exhausted-probably my first sign that something was up. But after your brain plays so many tricks on you over the past couple years of infertility you learn to ignore everything.

At that point i only had a few more days before i had my blood tests to see if i was pregnant or not. Besides being tired, i made a point to eat as best as i could with lots of greens and protein! I also was seemingly a lot warmer than Corey since i was kicking off covers in the night while he was still cold. that never happens! The morning of my blood test i went and got that done fully knowing that i would probably have most of the day to wait before they would call. i just had a really good feeling about it. so i went to the store and found a "now showing" baby sonogram photo frame and bought it. At about 11:30 my nurse called and said i was very positive. i didn't understand what the numbers meant at the time, but higher number can mean multiples. of course corey and i assumed it was twins.

So that call was at 4 weeks. pretty much immediatley after that i got extremely sensative to smells. everything smelled bad. i even hated driving around because every car exhaust made me sick and some worse than others. i have never thrown up though. even when my "morning sickness" started. my morning sickness has been more like the thought and smell of most foods turns me off, but no vomitting. i'm still sort of waiting for this to fully go away. i'm getting worried because i'm suppose to gain a lot of weight with triplets, and so far i've lost because i can't figure out what i'm willing and able to eat every day. its torcher!

At week 7 we went in for our first ultrasound. I was suprisingly nervous, as was corey. even though i always wanted twins, i was nervous about how i would handle two babies. LOL so funny now! When i told the nurse how tired i was she was like "well let's find out how many are in there!" oh boy! we still really never expected that third heartbeat to show up but there it was! one of our eggs had split and we have a set of identical twins with a faternal. Shocked only begins to cover it. on the other hand i was like "ok God if this is what you want to give us then we will find a way to do this". We didn't meet with our doctor that day-just our nurse who did the ultrasound. she immeditaly told us about selective reduction and how risky it is to have more than two babies. She literally told us that she has never seen a triplet pregnancy end well. Then told us a story of a women who had triplets-two were special needs and she ended up giving them both up for adoption because she couldn't handle it. We were horrified. We left in tears and scared. We knew selective reduction was not an option, but we were not left with much hope that day. Corey took the day off work so we could be together and process. We called all of our parents to tell them the news and how the nurse had scared us. The good thing was that we only had til next week to see our doctor and talk to him. That appointment went much better.

I had to believe that these three little ones were complete miracles and gifts from God. God gives only good gifts to His children (Matt 7:9-11). Especially after going though infertilty and learning more than i ever thought possible about reproduction-you cannot deny that any pregnancy is a complete miracle. Also, knowing that again, our chacnes of having an egg split were less than 1%-how could it not be all God's doing. Its as if He has given us a child for every year we waited. Knowing all this I decided that all my faith is in knowing that God doesn't give us anything that we weren't made to handle- and He gives good gifts to His children-therefore, my babies are meant to be and will be healthy and strong.

For the next two weeks we really focused on being positive and our excitment out weighed any fear we had had. We also found so many good and positive resources online that gave us new hope for a healthy pregnancy and babies. So far all our ultrasounds have been great. All of the babies are growing at the same rate and size-which is something doctors worry about espcially with identicals. I have a great regular OB and two excellent prenatologist (specialist in multiple pregnancies). We are in a good place and hands to have healthy triplets. We are praying for continued good results with ultrasounds throughout the pregnancy, that i can go as long as possible in carrying them, that i can find thing to eat sooner than later to help support my body and the babies growth and mostly we want to continue to defy the odds :)

We appreciate everyone's support and prayers. Thanks for reading and i hope to be better about updates in the future :)

Cyst Making Machine

my surgery was for nothing! maybe you can come up with a good reason, but now i cannot. last month i was put on birth control because nurse found a cyst on my right ovary. the right one being the one that the dr still favors over my left even after surgery. yesterday after going back to the dr to see if said cyst went away with b.c. we found out it only got bigger! so now the problem i had on my left side prior to surgery is the same problem i have now on my "better" side. we didn't even really get to try since my surgery and we are already back to square one.

we told the nurse that we are frustrated because of all this and she said we should probably think about going to IVF then. IVF has a higher success rate and will bypass my problem (my ovaries and fallopian tubes). We agree that this is the next best option. However, we've already spent thousands of dollars to get this far with nothing to show for it, and IVF is at least $9,000, and that doesn't include anesthesia or meds. Meds for the IVF process cost between $3,000 and $5,000!! That's all for ONE try! She said we have good chances because we are young.

I'm at the point where I'm so emotionally and physically crippled by the grief this whole process has caused me. I'm trying so hard to figure out ways to cut my stress and add stress relief and find faith and hope and its the hardest thing i've ever had to do. But i don't want to give up. Giving up means giving up on my dreams for my life and my life itself i feel like.

then last night i saw a women walking down the street, pregnant, smoking a cigarette. i wanted to yell at her and beat her face in. seriously, i'm sorry if you smoked while you were pregnant, my mom smoked with me; but after you realize what a total fucking miracle getting pregnant is and then you see someone seemingly taking it for granted like that you want to shake them. and of course I would see someone like that specifically on an especially difficult day for me. i can't catch a break.

we have an appt in a couple weeks to talk to the dr more in depth about what would be involved for us trying IVF and one with the financial advisor to talk about what our exact costs would be and loans. for now i'm on birth control again cause if you do IVF you have to be on it for a month before anyways. don't ask, i'd don't get it either. that's the one thing i've learned from all this fertility stuff: you think you know something, and then you realize how much you really don't. then you think you know some more after awhile, and then nope you still really don't.

9th of Av, Tisha b'Av Please Pray for Israel!

This weekend is the 9th of Av on the Hebrew calendar. It has historic significance for the Jews and it is never a good day. Israelis are specifically focused on the start of the Olympics and are worried that there will be another terrorist attach on them like that at the Munich Olympics. Please pray for their safety. Sunday the Jews will be fasting for this holiday, maybe you can fast and pray with them.

Follow this link to read more about the terrible things that have happened on this day and the historic impact on the Jews:
http://www.chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/946703/jewish/What-happened-on-the-Ninth-of-Av.htm

You can watch this video from Prophecy in the News talking about this weekend and other things going on with Israel at the moment:
http://www.prophecyinthenews.com/daily-update-july-26-2012-looking-to-the-east/

Children at the movies

Many have been asking what were children doing at the Dark Knight? I don't think anyone should blame the victims in any circumstance and no one every expects these kind of things to happen. But lets take it out of the context of what happened last week and just ask what are children doing at movies that are scary and violent and also late shows?

I've noticed over the last few years that there are an increasing amount of young kids at shows that are at least PG-13 and R. There's a reason these ratings are given. I remember seeing Lord of the Rings and there being children younger than 10 years old there. On the one hand I get that these are classic tales and amazing  films, but I remember how I was as a child and I know that one glimpse of an Orc would have sent me into nightmares and sleeping with my parents for months, if not years. I think we can all remember a time when we told our parents that we wouldn't be scared of _____ , they trusted us, and then what happened next? You were afraid of your own shadow.

I think most comic book hero movies are made for kids and adults to see and enjoy, but as a huge Batman fan I can tell you that Batman is usually the exception to that rule. Batman stories are usually told in a darker, more disturbing light. A lot of that has to do with the realistic quality of the bad things that happen. Batman has no supernatural qualities to him. He's just a guy who beefed up, got some serious training and toys and is out to get the bad guys. The bad guys in the Batman universe are for the most part, for the comic book universe, as realistic as they come. Often these bad guys are from the insane asylum. Some of them have motive, but then there's the Joker who is crazy just to be crazy. Its scary to know that those people really do exist.

Personally I wouldn't take my child to see a Batman movie until they were like 9. I don't even know if I would have taken my child to see Phantom Menace because Darth Maul is so scary, even though I'm one of the biggest Star Wars fans.

The other thing we have to consider is the sound of movies even compared to 10 years ago. They have gotten so loud! Just listening to the previews I thought the sound was too loud. My mom used to bring me to the theater when I was a baby because I was a "good baby" and would sleep. But there is no way any baby is sleeping through a action film nowadays, let alone the high chances of going deaf!

I think people need to leave their kids at home more when going to the movies, or at least make better parenting decisions on what's best for your child. Then again with how parenting has gone down the hole in the last 15 or so years I'm not super surprised.

IN OTHER NEWS:

 cute scene at the place I had lunch with my friend 

 the wetlands by our house is almost completely dried up. Thanks for missing us huge rain storm that came through!

My Encouraging Words and Favorite Prayer

Years ago as I was going through a tough time. I wrote down these verse for myself on little pieces of paper. I kept them in my prayer book and brought them with me everywhere and would read them to myself every time I felt like I couldn't make it. I kept reading them over and over, often out loud, until I felt better. Eventually, I made it through that tough time and came out stronger for it. Here are the verses along with my favorite prayer.

Be glad for all God is planning for you. Be patient in trouble, and always be prayerful.-romans 12:12

Patient endurance is what you need now, so you will continue to do God's will. Then you will receive all that He has promised. -Heb 10:36

The steps of the Godly are directed by the Lord. He delights in every detail of their lives. -Psalm 37:23

I waited patiently for the Lord to help me, and He turned to me and heard my cry. - Psalm 40:1

Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. Take heart, because I have overcome the world. -John 16:33

Let me hear for your unfailing love for me in the morning, for I am trusting in you. Show me where to walk, for I have come to you in prayer. -Psalm 143:8

He will give you all you need from day to day if you live for Him and make the kingdom of God your primary  concern. -Matt 6:33

When you go through deep waters and great trouble, I will be with you. -Isaiah 43:2

My presence will go with you. I'll see the journey to the end. - Exodus 33:14

Let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will know what God wants you to do, and you will know how good and pleasing and perfect His will really is. -Romans 12:2

Don't worry about anything; instead pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done. -Phil 4:6

He is able to keep that which I have committed unto Him against the day. -I Tim 1:12

He must increase, but I must decrease. -John 3:30

Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? -Matt 6:26

Prayer by Saint Teresa:

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace
Where there is hatred, let me sow love
Where there is injury, pardon
Where there is doubt, faith
Where there is despair, hope
Where there is darkness, light
and Where there is sadness, joy

Grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love;
for it is in giving that we receive, it is in pardoning that we are pardoned and
it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. Amen.

A couple scriptures I've received this week:

And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit,
whom He has given us. -Romans 5:5

They cried to You and were saved; in You they trusted and were not disappointed. -Psalm 22:5

He makes the barren woman to be a homemaker and a joyful mother of children. -Psalm 113:9

Happy Adoption Day, Zoey!!

A year ago today we adopted our Zoey. I never thought I would fall in love with a little dog before I met Zoey, but here she is and she has changed my mind about how awesome little dogs can be as well.

 homeless dog impression

 Canine Good Citizen Certificate

 watching the Bears

 Pooh, Piglet and Eeyore

 Zoey and her favorite toy that is a replica of her 

Hannah's Story of Infertility

I know I post on this stuff a lot but I'm glad that REDBOOK is taking some initiative in the campaign to"end the shame and secrecy of infertiltiy". Here's their link to the most recent article: http://www.redbookmag.com/health-wellness/advice/dealing-with-infertility

In the same vein, my church has been going through The Story and this week is about Hannah and how God remebered her after a long time of her trying to get pregnant. Hannah prayed for a son saying that she would give him back to the Lord to become a priest. When it says that God remembered her it doesn't mean the He forgot her, but rather that the time was the right time for God's purposes to answer her prayer. Hannah honored her promise and gave her son, Samuel back to God by bringing him to the temple when he was weaned. After that God blessed Hannah with other children as well.

Its interesting to me that there are many stories in the Bible of women experiencing infertility. They all waiting on God and He eventually answered their prayers when the time was right. The story of Sarah is not as comforting to me because if I had to wait till I was 90 something to finally have a baby I think I would just rather die, but times were different. Anyways, when people talk about these stories it is usually brought up that in these times, in these cultures a women's only worth was based on her having children. Often times we see these poor women getting ridiculed and teased by the other women around them who already have had children. My point is that it seems like people say that as if its not true today. To a certain point that is correct- women can do so much more in our society and don't have to rely on marriage or children to be a part of it. However, I think that at least for women that do want children, there is still a feeling of being less than a women when you are trying to have children and cannot. You feel like your body is failing you and you are failing your husband in your efforts to expand your family.

The thing I love about these Bible stories is that in each of them the woman's husband loved her more than any other wives he had (since back then they had more than one) despite the fact that they had children from their other wives. God favored these women because they were faithful to him. God is always faithful to those who love Him and we are all His favorite children. Fathers love to give good gifts to their children. Refer to the scripture Luke 11:11-13 where Jesus talks about how even earthly parents want to give their children not just their needs, but their wants, so how much more would our Heavenly Father give us?

I take comfort in a few things through this process of ours. For one, I have a wonderful, supportive and loving husband. Two, God puts all the deep desires of our hearts there in the first place, so we can trust that He will fulfill those desires when the time is right. Three, just because I'm going through this infertility journey right now does not mean that I am loved less or doing anything "wrong". Finally, God is so faithful. He has been there for me through my whole life, through the worst times in my life-including infertility. If I didn't have Him I don't know what I'd be or where.

Surgery went great!

I wrote this a couple days ago, then i got tired and took a nap, and spent the next couple days sick from new medicine. But I'm all better now. Still tired and resting but here it is:

I'll start with sunday, mother's day. My mom came in and we had a great day. We went to brunch, did a bit a shopping, including a stop at starbucks of course! Then we got pedicures before we went shopping for all the cooking she was going to do for us while I was recovering.

Monday morning we got up at 4am to be at the hospital for 5:30 check-in. Surgery was at 7. I think it was 6:30 when I said bye to Corey and my mom. Then the anesthesiologist gave me an injection and I was out! When you first wake up you feel groggy and a little pain at the incision sites and super tired.

They found a lot of cysts and a little bit of scar tissue. We knew about the the one cysts on my left side- the golf ball sized one, but we didn't know that it was totally blocking my fallopian tube from my ovary. My right ovary was covered in cysts. The doctor said he was not surprised we were not getting pregnant, but now that all of that is gone and we should have no problem getting pregnant! YAY!

For the next, well now, week and a half I am on bed rest for the most part-no physical stuff and no lifting anything 10lbs or more. Whew!-Zoey is only 5lbs-she's lucky hehe! I'll have a check up with my doctor in a couple weeks.

Monday was the worst day with the anesthesia still in my system, but it was a lot better than the last time I had this surgery. I was mostly nauseous and bloated. When they do this surgery they blow up your abdomen with gas. So your abdomen is uncomfortable for a couple days until the gas dissolves. I was still nauseous on and off  but I think it was from my pain meds so I stopped taking them. I don't really need them anymore. Just my incisions that are a little sore still and I can just take regular tylenol for that. My mom made tons of food for us and she had to go home yesterday. I'm more mobile now but I'm still sleeping a lot during the day and sleeping good at night.

In about a month or so we will be able to start trying again. We will go back to doing the IUI, just to speed things up since we've been waiting so long. And I'm not sure if we have so much time to get pregnant possibly before there's a concern of cysts coming back or not. I'm sure we'll talk to the doctor about that at my check-up. But I think that since this is the second time I've had to have surgery to get rid of cysts, that the likely-hood of me producing more is good.

I've been really blessed by everyone's words of support and prayers. God has also brought women into my life that have gone through infertility as well that have blessed me with their stories and support. Thank you all! We have a light at the end of the tunnel finally, but we are not there yet ;) Please continue to pray for my recovery, my hormone levels to be normal to carry a baby as well, and for our next attempt at an IUI. Thank you again!

Mother's Day/ Day before my surgery

I sincerely want to wish all you mothers and mothers -to- be a very happy and blessed day. you are amazing! If having children isn't a miracle, I don't know what is :)

For me, this is my third mother's day where we have been actively trying to get pregnant and are not. I've started to dread this day because it is such a blatant reminder that I'm still not a mom yet myself. I definitely don't want to go to church where most like to have mothers stand up and get recognized while I sit back holding in tears because I'm not blessed enough or special enough to be recognized. That's what it feels like for we women who are suffering with infertility anyways. 

Every holiday has been difficult to get through. Holidays are about being with family and when you feel like your family is not complete, its like someone really special is missing. My birthday is in November, then there's Thanksgiving, then Christmas. For the past two/three years I've begged God - "All I want for my birthday is to be pregnant...No?...Ok...all I want for Thanksgiving is to be pregnant-that would be something to be thankful for...NO?...Ok... all I want for Christmas is to be pregnant...NO?...Ok...how about for Mother's Day?" This last year we really thought it was going to happen too with the help of our fertility doctor. We haven't been home for Christmas in three years, right before we left for home we found out that our attempt at an IUI didn't work. We really wanted more than anything to be able to go home and tell our parents in person that we were finally pregnant, but we couldn't. Instead it was just the worst Christmas ever. 

Back to Mother's Day- this year its the day before my surgery to hopefully fix why I haven't been able to become a mother. And this year, after three years without spending mother's day with my mom, she is coming in today to be with me for my surgery. I don't think that today will be so bad then because the day can be all about her and not about me so much. We are going to lunch and to get pedicures and to shop for stuff for her to make meals for us during the week while I recover. 

Thank you again to all my supporters. I appreciate all your kind words and wishes. As much as I appreciate the kind intention of any advice, please be reminded that advice/ "wisdom" to any infertile myrtle is more harmful than helpful. Encouragement and prayer is all I need :) Thank you friends and family, as always, for listening!! I will keep you all posted on my surgery and recover as best as I can. 

What happens when i have dairy?

People ask me this all the time because its not the usual allergic reaction - like throat closing, i'm gonna die thing.

Since last night I kind of accidentally had some dairy (really should have known better), i thought why not tell you my current symptoms to illustrate how its so not worth it!

luckily i do not have a migraine haha! right now i have pain in my upper abdomen- like right under my ribs by my diaphragm. my upper intestines and stomach feels like a rock. and my joints are all achy.

no there's nothing i can do about it either. it will take a day or two at least to work through my body. i have a heating pad on my abdomen-it dulls the pain a little. and i'm going to drink some ginger in tea-not sure that will do anything but its worth a shot.

Don't Ignore your body, my journey

It's National Infertility Awareness Week and I am participating by blogging about the theme "Don't Ignore Infertility". I am excited to help raise awareness for this disease and encourage open discussions about this topic because it is so shied away from. I know that when all this started with me it was hard to talk about because people really don't understand it and they often say the wrong things, making you feel even more isolated than you already do. It's such a painful grieving process to go through already and the last thing you need is to feel like you have no one to talk to. There are still times when I'm not sure I want to bring up my infertility journey with some people in fear that they will say the wrong thing to me. On the other hand, I want to be open with everyone so that they can  understand not only what it's like to go through this, but also so that they can be better prepared to help others in their fight against infertility.

The first thing I would say is Don't Ignore your body. Be in tune with yourself and what is normal for you. Don't be afraid to ask your doctor questions. If your doctor doesn't seem to be taking the time to answer your questions and concerns, consider switching doctors. I prefer a D.O.(doctor of osteopathic medicine) versus an M.D. just because D.O.s tend to maintain more of a balance between traditional medicine and holistic. In my experience D.O.s are more willing to spend time talking to you instead of getting you in and out.

When I was a teenager I had heavy periods with painful cramps. Then in my junior year of high school I started experiencing extreme pain in my lower right pelvis. I tried many different pain medications, most of which just made me sick and didn't relieve my pain. Ultrasounds revealed cysts on my ovaries, so my doctor put me on birth control pills saying that that would get rid of the cysts. The pain continued so my doctor suggested we better do a laparoscopy to see exactly what was going on. They ended up finding cysts on my fallopian tubes as well as scar tissue. We have no idea what the scar tissue was from but the cysts on my tubes could only have been relieved by the surgery and not with birth controls pills. Still, my doctor recommended that I stay on birth control pills to try and prevent everything from coming back until I was ready to have children. She assured me that none of that stuff would effect my ability to have children.

About three years ago my husband and I moved to Salt Lake City for his job. Not long after moving there, however, he was laid off. We thought that it would be sooner than later that he would find another job. We were anxious to start our family but we wanted to wait till he was employed again. Thinking that it wouldn't be long and feeling that my hormones were a little off, I decided to go off birth control pills and just use other  birth control methods until we were really ready. At first I was worried that my crazy periods would return with horrible cramps etc, but it seemed that everything was better and I figured maybe I finally grew out of all that.

Six months later my husband finally got another job-this time in Seattle. So we moved again and finally feeling some stability decided to start trying for our first child. I was all prepared taking my temperature every morning and keeping a chart. As each month went by and we still weren't pregnant I began to doubt the promise of my old doctor that my old problems wouldn't interfere with my ability to become pregnant. During this time I started having severe problems with my stomach. My doctor and I figured out that I was allergic to dairy. He said that that may be why we weren't pregnant yet-if my body was too busy fighting off something it wouldn't let me get pregnant. But a few months after being dairy free I still wasn't pregnant, and since it still wasn't a full year of us trying to get pregnant doctors wouldn't investigate further.

My husband switched jobs again and we moved to Reno. There were a couple times we thought I was pregnant because I started having really short and light periods. My new doctor ran some blood tests and we discovered that I had hypothyroidism and elevated prolactin. We still had a few months to go before it was a year of us trying. Once again we thought maybe if these problems were regulated I could get pregnant. Well you guessed it- after a year of trying we still weren't pregnant- officially making us infertile.

 My husband and I both went through testing showing that everything was fine and we were encouraged to keep trying. My regular doctor sent us to a fertility specialist. They did an ultrasound which revealed that my left fallopian tube was being weighed down by a golf ball sized cyst, most likely making it unable to catch any eggs that maybe be coming out of that ovary. The right appeared to not be ovulating regularly and was holding onto multiple eggs. The doctor proposed we use medicine to make me ovulate and also do an IUI (inter-uterine insemination) to help things along. We tired that for about 4 months with no luck. Just last month we talked to the doctor again and he said we definitely should have been pregnant by now, but since we were not we have isolated the problem to be with my fallopian tubes. So I am set to do another laparoscopy next month to see what is going on. My doctor is suspicious that scar tissue has regrown on my tubes. He says they can remove it and the cyst on my left side and that should help us. If there is something bigger going on we can talk about IVF and saving my eggs after surgery.

I'm pretty sure that I have scar tissue again. Scar tissue hurts and causes random pain. I started noticing a while ago that I was having similar pain to what I had in high school, but not as severe. Maybe I should have spoken up about it sooner, but part of me just wanted to pretend it wasn't there, and because it wasn't as bad as last time I thought its fine I can deal with it. Another part of me knew all along that something wasn't right but I was trying to just be positive so I didn't push my doctors as much as maybe I should have. But they are pretty strict about the waiting a year before they really pay attention to you so maybe it wouldn't have made a difference anyway.

Don't Ignore you body, but also Don't Ignore your pain. This is one of the hardest things I've had to go through in my life. No one should go through this pain alone. Talk to your spouse about your feelings. Its okay if you are experiencing it differently. Sometimes that is more helpful so that you can be there for each other. Talk to your friends and family too and don't be afraid to tell them what is and isn't helpful for you to hear. Sometimes they don't need to say anything at all, you just need someone to listen and give a shoulder to cry on. Maybe you need someone or something to distract you from your feelings to give yourself a break. Find a girlfriend to get a pedicure with or go for a massage. If you are low on funds, have a tea party or game night. I think surrounding yourself with people who care about you is key. Keep a journal or blog- for yourself and for others to support each other. My goal is to help other women who are going through this, and also to help others understand so that even if they aren't going through it themselves, they can better serve their friends and family who are.


Basic understand of Infertility: http://www.resolve.org/infertility-overview/what-is-infertility/

About NIAW: http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/about.html

surgery date announced

my surgery date will be may 14th. have to starve myself and go to the hospital before dawn of course. HA!
my mom is coming in to help take care of me too. YAY! i didn't want corey to have to take off too much for work especially for something lame like surgery. i'd rather save that time for a fun trip, if we can ever get away.

stressing out this week- got theater stuff going on, an ant infestation in our new place, and a rental care this morning. my car will be in the shop for a week thanks to some dork who hit my car a couple weeks ago. thankfully i was not in it- i have enough bodily damages still from my car accident 5 years ago.

i can't see past the end of may right now.

update + anatomy lesson

First of all i want to thank all of my friends and family for being so supportive through everything i'm going through right now, especially for putting up with and even appreciating my honesty. That's kind of the point-to tell my story like it really is with all my thoughts and emotions on the table as i go through dealing with infertility. My hope is that it will benefit someone else one day, whether its me being their for someone else who has to go through it or someone who reads this and knows better how to be there for their friend or family member.

Now i want to explain that what i really feel is grief-like the kind you feel when someone close to you dies-that's the only other way i've experience these emotions before. the only difference is that when you normally go through a grieving process you eventually get through it and move on. With every month i am not pregnant the cycle of grief keeps repeating itself over and over and i'm exhausted.

with that said, i want to apologize to my friends and family that either already have babies and/or are pregnant. i don't want you to think that i'm not happy or excited for you because that is simply not true. i am happy and excited for anyone to have a baby and not go through what i am going through. i know that it is hard for me to show that right now though and i wish it wasn't. i have my good and bad days. but even in my bad days i'm happy for you. for those who have babies - i love your little ones and love seeing them :)

this last month we decided to take a break from trying as we were waiting to talk to the doctor again about what he thinks so far and what our next steps should be. it was really nice to have the month off and just relax and have some drinks with friends again! so yesterday we went back to the dr to talk. this is how he explained things to us: sperm + egg did not equal baby for us after three times of trying with the help of getting my ovaries to ovulate and placing sperm inside my uterus. which means that we have isolated the problem to be with my fallopian tubes. because if we have sperm in the uterus and eggs coming out of my ovaries why didn't they meet?

so we are going to do surgery mid-may to figure it all out. the dr is highly suspicious of scar tissue formation around my fallopian tubes. i believe this to be the problem as well. when i was in high school i had this same surgery to remove a cyst on my tubes that was causing me pain on almost a daily basis. when they went in they discovered scar tissue as well. scar tissue also causes pain. sometimes i still experience this pain, but less often than when i was in high school. he will also remove the cyst on my left fallopian tube. after the surgery we can try to get pregnant the following month. hopefully once all that junk is gone we will have a 20% chance of getting pregnant like everyone else.

i would also like to add that my infertility story proves once again like so many others that something as simple as "just relax", "don't think about", or "stop trying or adopt and you'll magically get pregnant" would not have made my cysts and scar tissue go away and thus would not have worked. and thanks for your non-comforting words :)

anyway i don't have the surgery date set yet because i'm waiting for the call. i'm expecting recovery to be about a week for me. the last time i had this done it took me two weeks, which was not normal then (i don't do well with anesthesia or pain meds) but my dr promised me that there have been medical advancements since then and since most people take 3 days to recover, i can expect a week :)  even though i'm not looking forward to how i will feel after surgery, i am okay with the decision to get it done and i think it is something that needs to be done. again, i appreciate all of your support. thank you!

 c

crazy scar tissue!!!

more infertility

Just thought that i would post exactly what i go through every month to try to get pregnant to illustrate how much i don't give a flying fuck about women who are considering having an abortion to be made to have an ultrasound. oh yeah its gonna get graphic folks and in case you didn't know- when i get really pissed off i spit venom and swear like a salior!

first of all i would like to start by saying i would love, absolutely love to have any baby that any person doesn't want just tell me what you want me to do cause at this point i would give anything to have a child. and any bitch that in my mind is taking advantage of her gift of not just being able to get pregnant but also the gift of the child itself can go fuck herself. and i don't really want to hear about women who are raped because i was raped and if i got pregnant i would have given my baby up for adoption or even kept it myself. yeah that bomb just dropped in your face! and no i don't even want to talk about it ever-just fyi.

i recently read someones comment that oh at least they aren't making these women get the rapping ultrasound or something like that. well bitch i get that kind of ultra sound twice a month just to try to have a baby. i also get to shove all kinds of fun suppositories up my vagina everyday for weeks at a time. and then i get to have a catheter shoved into my cervix which hurts like hell and then gives me wonderful cramps. and then i get to wait all day to see if my pregnancy test was positive to only find out that it wasn't so all of that stuff i did was just for fun!!

i would really like to be loving and forgiving of people but emotionally i can't go there right now and i don't know when i will be able to. i realize that probably a lot of people that read this will hate me after this and that's okay but i'm pretty much done with the entire world. i would probably say i've been melancholic most of my life at least since my parents divorce, but i've reached a new low and lost almost all my hope in humanity in the recent months. if you are my friend all i can tell you is that i honestly love you no matter what, but i don't know if i can put up with facebook for at least a while because i feel like reading all the stuff on there isn't helping me feel any better even though it seems like my only way to keep in touch with all of you in my lonely little world of traveling and living away from you.

that's all i got. i'm just really mad and sad and dissapointed...

my new favorite thing

Salon Effects sticker nail polish by Sally Hansen! they are super easy to apply and last for a long time. i usually chip my nails by day two and when i first tried these they lasted over a week, probably would have lasted two if i didn't want to try out a new shade that wasn't so christmas-y.

Here's all the stuff. First you'll want to push back any long cuticles.

Then choose the size for each nail. They give you two choices for each nail x 2 for each hand.

 Peal off plastic covering and peal away sticker, then place onto nail.

 They give you a nail file with a rough side to file away the excess "sticker". its really easy. just make sure you've flattened down the sticker to your nail and file down away from hand, not back and forth or up.

Pretty good and they are already dry! haha
and added bonus if you have a cute puppy waiting to be pet :) i hope they have cute valentines day patterns available soon!!